Saturday, January 22, 2011

A heart full of apathy and a head full of peacock feathers

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with "chest pains", which I haven't had before.

They weren't intense. They came and went over and over, and lasted about an hour.

I lay there wondering what it meant.

Was I having a heart attack?

Was my heart laboring?

What should I do?

I tried laying in different positions, to see if that made a difference.

I thought about waking my husband, but knew he'd want me to call the consulting nurse, and that would inevitably lead to a trip to the hospital.

I did not want to go to hospital.

As I monitored myself, I thought about my mother. She died a little over a year ago.

She slipped away quietly when we were all out of the room, after days of my siblings and I caring for her.

Was I slipping away?

I thought about our next door neighbor Tommy, who died in March from a heart attack as he lay in his bed.

I listened to my heart beating. It was a little fast and not erratic.

I thought about my Oncologist telling me that one of the side effects of chemotherapy is possible heart damage.

I was apathetic about any outcomes, and sick of medical professionals.

I did nothing.

*******

I woke up in the morning, alive.

Today was henna tattoo day, with my friend Joline El-Hai signed up to do the honors.

She showed up with her sketch book drawings of peacock tail feathers. She told me they were symbolic to ancient Greeks (knowledge and wisdom), Hindus (kindness, patience and good fortune) and Buddhists (thriving in the face of suffering).

Sounded good to me.


She was nervous, but soon after starting, I heard her say a number of times "This is fun."

Last week's tattoo is almost faded, and makes a nice pattern in the background.


Carol Milne stopped by. She's signed up to do a tattoo in a few weeks.


Once she got going, Joline was sure of herself. There was very little hesitation and she continued to say that she was enjoying herself.


That's nice, because it was hard for me to ask my friends to do this.

For next week, Tina Koyama's thinking about tattooing something pertaining to the Year of the Rabbit.

1 comment:

  1. I had a blast laying the henna on your head, Rebecca. Thanks for including me in your line-up.

    ReplyDelete